Dear Family and Friends,

It has been one week since my first treatment of Rotuxamib.  Things went well last week for the IV and while it was a long day, everything went smoothly.  I came home tired and spent the rest of the week resting and trying to avoid the heat.  I am still trying to figure out whether my tiredness, fatigue and low appetite are because of the treatment or because of the extreme heat.  Probably a bit of both.

Last week, Jeff and I met again with Dr. Crump. We realized that after our initial visit with Dr. Kurvella and Dr. Crump which mostly was to establish an action plan and to put that plan into place, that we still had a lot of questions about what post transplant lymphoma is and how it effects me and my case personally.  Dr. Crump spent some time answering our questions and continued to reassure us that we are on the right track.

After some time of asking questions and listening to answers I asked a question that had been hanging over me, thoughts still unformed as to what the real question was. I asked something like… so what does this post transplant lymphoma mean for me based on being a bone marrow transplant (bmt) patient? To be honest I’m still not sure the root of the question and what I was looking for.  He told us that this lymphoma was a new cancer diagnosis, separate from the CLL that had been treated in the past and by the bmt.  After giving us more information he asked me a question to clarify what I was looking for:  Are you asking about your prognosis, how long you will live?  As soon as he asked I realized that this was not the question that I had been asking. In fact, this question is rarely a concern to me.

I told Dr. Crump (and reminded myself) that I am not concerned about the prognosis of my case, about the estimated time I have remaining now that I have a new cancer diagnosis.  I know that only God knows the days that are numbered for me.  Each of us, in the middle of our own circumstances, are only given today.  I was reminded this week about the Israelites, as they wandered around the desert for 40 years (you can read their story here… (Exodus 16) 

I was reminded that God provided for the Israelites, what they needed, enough for each day. Not enough for the month, not enough for the week (although on the day before the Sabbath the Israelites were required to gather enough for that day and the Sabbath), just enough for today.

And isn’t that the same for us, God gives us what we need.  His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23-24).  And also, This is the day that You have made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.

I’ve thought about this a lot over the past few weeks, about how I/we should live my/our lives.  About what it means to live today.  I mean to really LIVE.  To be present in the moment, wherever it finds you.

Nathan and I have been watching the movie Kung Fu Panda a lot lately.  One of my favourite lines comes from the Kung Fu Master to the newly named Dragon Warrior, Po.  He says, Yesterday is history.  “Tomorrow, a mystery.  Today is a gift, that is why it is called the Present.”  Each one is important, not to be ignored.  But today is what is in front of us.  Today is the day that we LIVE.

There is a song that I’ve really enjoyed over the years by an artist Mark Schultz called Time That’s Left.  It asks the questions: What will you do with the time that’s left? What will you do with the time that’s past? What will He say when your time has come?  I enjoy the song more than the video but the words always remind me to live my life with intention, to live now, to live with purpose.  Now, I can’t say that I always do this, but it is my goal.

As I mentioned above, today is Round Two of my fight, there are four rounds of this battle and the scores won’t be tallied until the end. But in the meantime, I will live today, be present in the moments ahead of me, strengthened by God’s grace, peace and strength, just the right amount for today.

Enjoy your day, whatever it holds.

Live fully today,

Heather

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