Obedience First Day +13

I’m writing this in the early AM hours of the night.  I’ve struggled with night time sleep in here and it’s a tough time to be awake.  The sleeping pills that I’ve tried haven’t worked for me but I spoke with the nurse tonight about a solution for tomorrow.  Also, waking every hour to use the washroom b/c of my high volume of saline and other meds doesn’t help me stay asleep.  I’m like clockwork.  (TMI? Sorry)

***This coming weekend Jeff was scheduled to be away in Vancouver for a National Youth Workers Convention.  It is an annual convention, usually alternating between Vancouver and Toronto.  Jeff was to help out coordinating volunteers and was to give a seminar during one of the elective sessions.  He has also worked behind the scenes (tirelessly and with joy) on the social medial side of the conference.

Jeff and I had agreed back in the summer that unless there was a good reason for him to be here in TO that it would be fine for him to attend the conference.  We still agreed on that last week.  Then, even though there is good prognosis for me this weekend, I felt a prompting to ask Jeff to stay home this weekend.  We always knew it would be a possibility, but believed that going to the conference would be beneficial for him.

Earlier this week I asked Jeff if he would reconsider.  Not because of any sense of alarm here on 14C but just because I wanted him close by.  He thought about it, we wrestled with it by phone and by facebook and in the end, he agreed to stay.  It was a difficult decision, and, truthfully, disappointing for us both that he would remain home.

I believe that God was using this as an opportunity for obedience in both our lives, my asking and his responding.

This morning when my doctor came in he told me that in all likelihood I will be granted a weekend pass to go home and have a trial run, that my counts are arriving at levels that would allow me to be at home to see how I will do.

Even in the midst of Jeff’s sacrifice, God has jumped in with “more than we could ask or imagine” (Ephesians 4).  We are eager to be together as a family.

I know that this blessing and joy is as a result of our obedience.  This has been the pattern of the last year of our lives.

Obedience First.

 

Reality and Expectations Day +11

Dear Friends,

The past few weeks can only be described by great extremes.  I had expected to feel a little stir crazy, and I have.  I had expected to feel really tired, and I have (I slept until 3:30 p.m. yesterday).  I had expected to have mouth sores, and I have (although if I lay ever so still I can avoid a lot of the pain.  I had expected to have a stream of visitors, and I have.  I had expected to have times of isolation, and I have.

Some of the things that I didn’t expect though were the extremes. The last few days I have been so tired.  In fact, today has been one of the few days that when I woke up I felt as though my sleep had accomplished it’s purpose. I felt rested.

Another thing that I hadn’t expected was choosing isolation for myself.  The last few days my mouth and throat have been so sore and I have found that I can have considerable relief with the medications (!) and by not talking. Perhaps I should have warned those of you who know me well.  Not talking has been a difficult task but as far as I’m able, I’m only talking to the nurses and doctors and those people who are responsible for my care.  This at times means only short conversations with Jeff and Nathan and only one really short chat with my parents.  I spoke with Eileen (Jeff’s mom) when I first arrived in at Hotel Princess Margaret but not since those initial days.  Who knew that I would enjoy the silence!

In fact, even doing nothing all day, I can tell when I’ve done too much or spoken too much!

Some of you know that Jeff managed to catch a cold from Nathan the other day.  Even for Jeff to come and visit, he will need to wait 3 days past his last symptoms.

As for visitors… I’m not sure what to think these days.  I have cancelled my visitors again for today and I am happy with my decision.  The more time I can give my body (and my throat/mouth) to rest will be of the greatest benefit to me.  I know that even though some of you would like to come for a visit, please know that the decisions that I/we are making are the best for me right now. Believe me, if I was feeling better, I would love for you to stop by to pass the time with a game of Scrabble or a just a chat.

I guess I just wanted you all to know that I can feel your love and encouragement even here on the 14th floor.  I look forward the the next few weeks, months, years and, really, a whole lifetime ahead of me to visit and to catch up on the last few weeks.  It has been so wonderful for me to have such instant response/replies to my Facebook updates and to my complaints for more morphine.

I love you guys! And I know that I am loved.

With ongoing joy, Heather

 

A Look in the Mirror

Forced isolation is hard. I mean, yes, I know that I signed up for this transplant, but this isolation is hard work.  I’ve talked before that fighting cancer is not just a physical battle but often a mental battle as well.  A battle for my mind.  I have rarely felt that truth so powerfully and completely than during my time here in isolation.

I’m learning a few things about myself too.  I’m learning that I am capable of great courage and strength and I am capable of great fear and uncertainty.  I am capable of great kindness, love and thanksgiving mixed in with great ugliness, lack of motivation and laziness.

So what happens when you look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see?  It’s time to make a change.  Some changes will be easy I hope.  Some changes will be hard.  I’ve learned in my short time here in isolation that God is not only concerned with my health and healing but that He is also concerned with my wholeness and my holiness, in making me more like Him.

I know that this blog is usually reserved for the “rah-rah-sis-boom-bah” Heather but I think that this note is a good reflection on how I’m doing and dealing with my time in isolation.  I’ll be listening a message from the current series at our church called A Normal Christian Life.  This message series began a few weeks back and has been so practical.  You can listen or watch it by following the link above.  James 1:22-25  Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.  Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

Thanks for your notes, cards, messages and other ways that you have found to care for my family and I .  We love you!

Heather

 

From the Horse’s Mouth

Thank you for your patience with me on this site.  The last few days have been rough with nausea setting in.  I’m on some meds to control the feelings and that seems to help.  I’ve been resting a lot and I guess I’m allowed.  I’m trying not to sleep my days away just to combat the boredom as sleeping during the day affects my night sleep and it’s pretty crummy to be wide awake in the middle of the night in the hospital with no sign of morning.

The transplant, as you know, took place on Wednesday around 3:30 p.m.  Jeff was in the room with me throughout the transfusion and a nurse stayed as well to monitor my vitals every 15 minutes.  I’m still trying to understand my own (emotional) reactions to the bmt.  It’s difficult to even begin to understand the self-lessness of the donor and all that their sacrifices will mean for me and my family in regards to my health and healing.  I am humbled and deeply thankful.

I’ve had a few visitors while I’ve been here on the inside, mostly family.  I’m thankful for their visits as they help pass the time and break through the boredom and sameness of each day.

While I’m here my doctors and team of nurses are encouraging me to walk around the ward each day for exercise.  I also have a stationary bike in my room to use.  The more I exercise the faster it helps my immune system to bolster and accept the new marrow.  It is my goal to walk 25 laps of the hallway, twice a day for a total of 2 miles.  It’s a bit of a pain pushing the IV pole around so I try to walk when I’m “capped off” and don’t need to push IV pole around.  I haven’t done too well on this goal the last few days both because of laziness and because of the nausea.  I also have a goal to bike 5 minutes/3 times each day.  I’m not doing well with this goal right now either because of the laziness and nausea.  I spoke with my nurses and they agree that these are good and attainable goals while I am recovering.

After such an anticipated week with the transplant, I don’t have much to write today.  I know that I am learning a lot about myself by being here in isolation and have realized already that God is not just interested in my health and healing while I am here on the 14th floor, but that He is also interested in my wholeness, my character and my attitudes.

With love and thanksgiving, Heather

 

A Throng: Day -5

A friend recently sent me this word picture to encourage me as I began this stretch of the road.  I am sharing it here so that you can all be encouraged by the important part that you play in my journey towards healing.  I have met many of you and I know that there are still many more caring strangers who are loving and praying my family to the throne room of Jesus.  Your role is vital. I thank God for you all. Enjoy.

A Throng:

I see you standing in the centre of a throng of people.

Jesus is with you in the centre, His arms gently but firmly wrapped around you.

Then your husband and son.

Followed closely by your parents and siblings.

The next layer of people surrounding you are a LOAD of friends.

Beyond that thick layer of supportive friends is a “ring” of strangers with a heart and prayers for you.

The outer layer is covered with Holy angels, standing guard.

(This Bible verse has been added by H.)

Hebrews 12:1-3 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

With increasing joy, H.